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Family Practice
By Nicolee Jikyo McMahon, Sensei
Three Treasures Zen Community, San Diego CA
Meditating in between my first child's naps was the beginning of a challenging and wonderful journey of integrating spiritual practice with family life. It was not easy. It has been one of the most demanding koans I have ever had to chew up and digest.
Contrary to what is generally recommended for practice, I did not make a special place to meditate. At night, after the children were in bed and the "good nights" completed, I would alternate each night meditating in one of the children's rooms. They liked this quiet presence so well that they would argue about whose room I was supposed to meditate in well into their teens. It has always been important for me to respect the natural spiritual direction of my children. This nightly practice provided an opportunity for my children to ask questions and in a simple way, without trying to influence them, I could share with them what was touching me. Finding ways to integrate practice into our family life in an unspecial manner seemed to help the children feel more naturally included, and was an essential part of my personal training.
When I began Zen practice, going to sesshin and studying one-on-one with my teacher was exactly what I was looking for. My pattern was to immerse myself in seven-day retreats throughout the year, study intensely with my teacher on a weekly basis, and integrate what I was learning by functioning in everyday life. What was driving me was an intent deep within the marrow of my bones to clarify some questions I had. At the same time there was an inner demand not to make my husband and children orphans to spiritual practice. I didn't know how to do both. This tug of war finally resolved itself when I realized that these two aspects of my life were not in competition with each other, there was no first and second place. My practice is to give fully to whatever is at hand. When I'm with family, I'm with family. When in sesshin, I give fully to sesshin. When working, give fully to work. Letting go of my ideas about time and how long it should take me to complete my studies, helped me work as well as I could with my particular circumstances. I found the 16 precepts, especially the precepts of not killing, not elevating oneself and putting other down, and not speaking ill of the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha, helped me realize that I am already living Buddha's life and whomever I am living with is also Buddha living Buddha's life. Practicing in this way reminded me again not to elevate my spiritual practice as being better than my family, because then I am subtly negating the life of those with whom I live. In the Heart Sutra we chant: "Each thing has its own intrinsic value and is related to everything else in function and position." The immediacy of these words came alive practicing within the crucible of family and relationships.
Each family's circumstances are unique, and for my particular family, my leaving and rejoining the family was especially trying for all of us. I felt guilty and selfish yet determined to go to sesshin. Working with the precepts reminded me not to kill my family's reactions by judging them or making them wrong. For me, this has been a very challenging part of family as spiritual practice. My family's reactions so clearly mirrored my own fixed ideas of how I thought things should be. Practicing with not knowing, learning how to keep my heart open, letting go of judgments, and not separating myself from their desires and pain deepened my understanding of the Buddha Dharma.
One's mate, or loved one, can especially feel left out, jealous, afraid of the practice when one leaves to train for an evening or for extended periods. It's very helpful to listen to their concerns, to talk with them, to assure them of your love for them, to invite them to sangha gatherings or to the center, or set up a time for them to meet the teachers. In this way they can have a truer understanding of what you are doing.
Zen training is always wherever we are, here, now. What a rich and fertile ground family and relationships are to open our hearts, cultivate compassion, patience and understanding; to not know, to be truly intimate in the midst of everyday life.
©Three Treasures Zen Community 2000 |
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